Beyond My Shell

The day has been warm and forgiving, the mountains are silhouetted against the darkening sky, the breeze is gentle on my skin. My heart is filled with gratitude to the Creator.

A soft glow warms the western reaches, behind me the deep, blue sky turns slowly to ink, the San Gabriels melting against the darkness.

My breath catches in my nose, and for a moment I forget to breathe.

Somehow my true life is taking shape.

All week I've been locked in a battle to bring back what was lost, fighting to retrieve what was mine.

Some I lost through theft and deceit, some through fear and neglect. Some through panic and anger.

I am here, bereft.

Sometimes they come to see if I've made any progress, worked through my demons, and they theirs.

Part of me wants to chain them to myself and hold them captive.

Part of me knows they must drift and struggle until they make their own tikkun and heal their karma.

As must I.

This human life is so taxing. I feel the quicksand pulling me down once again.

STRONG EMOTIONS! SCREAMING.

BEGGING but refusing to speak the depths of my despair.

In desperation, I grab each naked root as I fall, skinning my hands, tearing my clothes, being smeared with mud as I plummet downward, into the abyss of darkness.

HELP ME! WOULD YOU PLEASE HELP ME?

COMFORT ME! Comfort me. Soothe away the terror, the emptiness.

Enfold me. Wrap me in the strength of your body.

My sobbing subsides. My breathing settles into a gentle rhythm.

My eyes grow heavy.

I sleep.